Love and Paradox
Art by idontlikegravy (LJ | e-mail | comment)
Chapter Three: Knowing
Gwen hated this. She and Ianto sat either end of the long table of the conference room, facing each other; Veronica sat in the middle on Gwen's left hand side. A vase was in the centre of the table; all had their palms face down on the solid wood. The vase slowly, very slowly started to inch its way towards Ianto. Gwen threw her focus beyond, as she had been taught, then she visualised a wall. The vase stopped and actually started to fall. It stopped half way and righted itself.
"Well blocked Gwen." Veronica didn't take her eyes off the vase so Gwen just nodded and started to wind 'ropes' around the vase and pull them toward her. Suddenly the vase shot forward and she only just caught it.
"Shit!"
"Ianto your problem is your fear and Gwen yours is your excitement!" Veronica stood up. "That's all for today. But please think about it. Ianto, I know Torchwood One made you fearful of anything like this and Gwen you always dreamed of this and of course it is in your bloodline!" Gwen looked away. They all got up and left the room in silence, all deep in thought
There always had been rumours and Auntie Helen claimed to talk to the dead. The rest of the family had laughed at her but as a girl Gwen would press her for stories of funeral homes where the dead walked. The great uncle who could predict storms, very popular with fisherman he was! The family were less scornful of Aunt Helen as she died on the day and the way she always predicted; a heart attack on January 2nd 2000. Gwen went round remembering the date but had been too late. She had a smile on her face; Auntie Helen always believed in the other side...yet how many times had Jack been there and said there was nothing?
Gwen was merely asking the question millions had asked for millennia. But she was different because she had to know; she couldn't bear not knowing even if she knew it was better that way.
"Penny for them..." Jack appeared all glorious matinee idol and heady natural scent. Ianto had confided that Jack had told him all 51st century people exuded this but she hadn't noticed it on John or Veronica! But Jack always did it for her; he made her feel all confused and fifteen again. He was Ianto's just as she was Rhys'. She forced, what she hoped was a happy but tired smile, after all he knew where she was coming from as Jack had admitted that he had found this sort of training hard too.
"Just a little tired Jack." He smiled and she felt all the tiredness evaporate.
"Go to the surface, for a walk; take Ianto. Pick up some donuts! Relax!" The smile she returned felt genuine this time and Ianto joined them.
"Did I hear a request for donuts? Come on Gwen we both need some air after all that!" They went through the tourist information entrance both blinking in the sunlight that had chosen to bless Roald Dahl Plas for a change.
"Have you checked on him?" They both knew who Ianto meant by him.
"Not for a few days, I'm quite proud of myself really!" Gwen shivered, she wanted to sleep at night.
"I looked two days ago and couldn't focus, eat anything or sleep; it's the silent screaming, gets under your skin. It's been over a month now; he doesn't eat or sleep nor appear to need those things." Ianto clenched his jaw, Gwen guessed he was a teeth grinder.
"He's getting thinner though. Veronica thinks he feeds off time itself!" Mused Gwen.
"Could be. The universe is a strange place, even our little backwater." Ianto smiled a cool smile and Gwen knew what he meant. In fact anyone one who worked for Torchwood knew that for a 'backwater' it was very busy indeed!
"Do you ever wish you didn't know?" Queried Gwen, after all Ianto like to be known as the man who knew everything!
"All the time, at least, before I started seeing Jack properly, you?" Gwen glanced at Ianto. Yes she was jealous, she had no right to be, but she was and there was nothing she could do about it!
"No. I've always needed to know!" Gwen bit her lip, 'curiosity killed the cat' and if she were a cat, she would have used up her nine lives a long time ago!
"Know what exactly?" Ianto had a point...
"Everything!" Gwen admitted.
"I've always liked to be informed... but sometimes I understand some things are not meant for me, us at this moment..."
"I can't accept that. Never have. Never will! After Flat Holm you'd think I could, but it's no good Ianto... "
"That's what made you a great cop and now a fantastic field officer!" Pointed out Ianto.
"Your reticence is what is holding you back." Accused Gwen, with a half smile.
"Your impatience is doing the same." They laughed and stood outside their favourite bakers their noses against the window like hungry children. They linked arms and went in.
Martha was the only one not weaning herself off watching Bilis and as far as Gwen knew, Jack had never gotten into the habit. She worried about Martha and she was curious about her and Jack's 'End of the World Survivors Club', as even Ianto didn't appear to know what that was about.
She liked Martha; she had much more in common with her than Tosh, god bless her! Martha may be a boffin, but she was one who lived in the real world. She was married like her and enjoyed things outside of work like cooking and decorating; the domestic to counter their action filled lives. She was going to get Martha to consult on the décor, especially as she and Tom were doing such a good job on theirs, when she and Rhys finally got a house. Rhys was being stubborn and wouldn't accept help from Torchwood on the mortgage, though he did like Martha and Tom (who had accepted help); he and Tom could argue about Rugby for hours! Gwen sighed; she loved her 'Rhys the rant' but sometimes...
"Sorry, Gwen, I didn't notice you!"
"Martha, perhaps you shouldn't watch him so much?" Suggested Gwen hesitantly.
"It is a medical study. Jack did suggest killing him, an autopsy would be more conclusive but I couldn't sanction it."
"You didn't see what he did." Gwen shot back.
"No, and that maybe is a good thing. I've seen terrible things Gwen and I've been willing to do dreadful things because of that. Now I want to see if there is another way. Isn't that the point of Jack's Torchwood?" Martha looked directly at Gwen, the question in her eyes.
Gwen sighed."Maybe, Martha, oh I don't know. For me Bilis embodies evil and knowing there's another like him..."
"Who may not be like Bilis at all? What if an alien species judged the entire human race on Hitler or Stalin? We wouldn't be here!"
"True enough but..." Gwen stumbled; trust Martha to be so... logical!
"I'm a doctor Gwen! I've sworn to protect life in all its forms and god knows I didn't always in UNIT!" Martha actually raised her voice and when she finished she shook her head and went back to staring at Bilis.
"You would have good reason..."
"Oh Gwen, I thought not wearing a gun would be enough to be like him; but it is just never enough." Martha suddenly looked so despondent Gwen wanted to hug her
"Him?" Gwen said gently putting her hand on Martha's shoulder.
"The Doctor." Gwen squeezed Martha's shoulder a little hard, the Doctor, the elephant in the room.
"Surely he has done some questionable things himself after all Torchwood was set up to protect Britain, the world from him!" Gwen smiled slightly; she felt she had a point.
"He had his reasons!" Exclaimed Martha.
"Well there you are then! None of us are perfect, even ancient aliens!"
"The Doctor would hate that, being called ancient!" Laughed Martha
Gwen smiled and switched off the monitor Martha was staring at and handed her the coffee and fresh donut.
"Lovely!" Martha smacked her lips. Gwen smiled but wasn't sure if Martha really understood what Bilis was... she walked out. She knew she couldn't sit down and do whatever at her desk. She thought about joining Ianto and Mickey who were digging out the oldest of the written archives to see if anything mentioned Bilis or his like. Normally she would have jumped at the chance to nose through the darker side of Torchwood, with company. The tunnels of the Hub still gave her the creeps.
She wandered into Jack's office where he was buried in paperwork and usually that meant he didn't need an excuse to chat.
"Jack, has Veronica spoken to you about Ianto and mine's psychic training?"
"Not much. I've been through it, remember?" Sighed Jack pushing back from his desk hands placed in a 'relaxed' position behind his head; but he looked anything but relaxed to Gwen.
"It is just so frustrating." Gwen whined.
"What is?" Jack started to smile which infuriated Gwen.
"I have all this energy and she always seems to be holding me back!" She could actually feel it bubbling inside her.
"That is her job; you could be dangerous, if you don't have control!"
"I know, I know; it is just well, frustrating..." Repeated Gwen
"Ianto was complaining about the opposite! He can't let go, mostly because of Torchwood One and the knowledge that Lisa probably saved his life."
"How?" Gwen was suddenly interested.
"She assessed him on his entrance exam and labelled him a basic latent which he is quite clearly not. And she warned him of the random checks probationers got the first few months." Jack said softly as if Ianto could hear him.
"Oh god I didn't know that! She saved him but he couldn't save her." Gwen realised that was why Ianto held back; but why did she feel so pent up?
"Exactly, but you are both needed, fully functioning because of what's to come." Jack smiled thoughtfully.
"And that's frustrating too, Jack, all these hints of 'everything changes...' all this mystery, Jack, well, shouldn't we know now, so we really can be ready?"
"Maybe..." Gwen started, she wasn't expecting that. Then Veronica appeared in the open doorway.
"Jack?"
"Sorry, Veronica, I got sidetracked."
"So I see." Veronica actually glared at Gwen; Jack then walked out, his face worried and left her alone in his office while he caught up with Veronica at the lift.
Gwen was seething and stormed off down to the archives and found Mickey and Ianto buried in files and ranted in a way that would have made Rhys proud.
"Veronica was stopping spoilers, Gwen. She wiped Jack's mind to protect the integrity of the timeline, so if we are not meant to know, well..." Ianto pointed out, but Mickey didn't look so calm, so Gwen turned to him.
"I do like Veronica. But..." Mickey looked down a little embarrassed and she saw, just for a second, an image of Mickey in bed with Veronica.
"You two are shagging!" Exclaimed Gwen, Mickey looked straight back at her with fierce anger in his eyes.
"That is out of order Gwen, you know the rules, keep the hocus pocus in the training room!" With that outburst Mickey stormed out.
"Well done Gwen, he was just settling down with me even though he knows what I... what we can do. And his body language around Veronica the last week or so gave that away anyway!" Ianto turned and carried on going through the files.
"Need any help?" Gwen asked meekly. Ianto turned round and looked directly at her.
"I need Mickey; he is surprisingly good at research, skim reading etc. And is good company. Go make it up with him and send him back, knowing I would never pry in his mind."
"I'm sorry, but the image just popped up!" Gwen explained, but Ianto turned away.
"Not me you should be apologising to, Gwen." Ianto mumbled into his files keeping his back to her.
Gwen went reluctantly to find Mickey - but when she did- she found Martha talking quietly with him in the medical bay. She turned and left the Hub, she didn't have her car so decided to go for another walk. A proper one, so she just started walking in the sunshine and the cool, strong breeze. Her head was just too busy. She tried the relaxation exercise 'bloody' Veronica had given her. She imagined she was on a beach in Hawaii, on her honeymoon. She and Rhys had loved it mostly because they had been only people there and felt like the only people in the world. It worked to a point and she did feel calmer.
But Gwen couldn't keep pretending she liked Veronica or that she trusted her. The fact that she was capable of passion surprised her but what she had seen in Mickey's mind had confirmed that.
It was the fact that Veronica 'knew', what was to come, Jack's real name, their thoughts, was Gwen's real problem. And that Jack had loved Veronica, so much he that could forgive her such a transgression, but then he had also forgiven Ianto. Gwen bit her lip, Ianto had betrayed Jack, in fact all of them, for love. Veronica had betrayed Jack for an order. Yet everyone seemed to accept Jack had to lose those particular memories. She just couldn't help putting herself in Jack's place and so could not forgive Veronica for taking away a slice of his life! Tosh had peaked into their inner most thoughts for a moment, which had been bad enough; Veronica had lived the future and held it away from them. That lack of disclosure frustrated Gwen no end.
Gwen sat on a random bench. She knew she couldn't keep doing this, her head hurt, she had to relax. She took a long deep breath and took herself back to her honeymoon beach but this time there were clouds in the distance and no Rhys. She turned and saw Jack, his back to her, in the middle distance. She tried to call him but no sound came out and she started to scream and all there was, was this eerie silence. She sensed something behind her and on turning she saw Bilis who put a finger to his lips.
Gwen opened her eyes with one thought; she now knew what to do about Bilis Manger.
Gwen went back into the Hub went past Martha and Mickey who were looking at something on his computer screen and went to on towards the cells.
"Gwen, where are you going?" Gwen didn't hear Martha calling. "Gwen stop, it's Bilis, he's stopped screaming!" Gwen froze. "Gwen?" Gwen spun round she could feel the adrenalin rushing through her veins.
"I know. But this is good, he is talking..."
"Talking?" The young doctor moved towards her with concern in her eyes. Gwen backed up.
"He just interrupted my vision!" With that she turned and ran. She knew Martha and Mickey were right behind her. She didn't care. He had invaded her mind.
She entered the cells and passed Janet, who was cringing in in the corner. Then she came to Bilis who was standing, thin smile spread across his face.
"Do I have your attention Mrs Williams?" Gwen stared at him then, forcing an image of a sledge hammer, she thrust it into his face. Bilis' brains sprayed the other side of the side of the cell and Janet wailed.
Gwen threw up, collapsed, and blacked out.
Gwen woke up in the medical bay where Martha was sitting to her left and Veronica to her right.
"We will have to up the training with both yourself and Ianto on blocking; he manipulated you into killing him. He harnessed your desire for his death and your uncertainty in your abilities." Veronica said quietly.
"We did an autopsy Gwen, and yes it is useful. It the long run he would have died and he was just speeding up the process." Martha smiled, then Veronica touched her forehead and ice poured through her brain and blessed, dreamless, sleep swept over her.
Jack was sitting by her when she came to again. He wore a look of concern and was holding her hand with both of his. For a moment the girl within her rejoiced and basked in his attention; it only lasted seconds and ended on hearing Ianto's voice from the other side of the bed.
"Thank god, Gwen, I couldn't imagine, I'm sorry I was pissy with you about Mickey..."
"It's OK Ianto, I deserved it." Gwen turned her head towards him and he tilted his head and turned into Bilis, screaming silently.
Gwen then woke up for real bolt upright and screaming with sound.
Time passed and finally she stopped seeing him; it took more than a month and a concentrated effort from Veronica and care from the whole team. Mickey brought her magazines, Ianto brought her coffee (of course), Martha spoke in soothing tones and took her stats every few hours and Jack would read to her. He started with Jane Eyre remembering a comment she made ages ago about loving it, then they moved on to Rebecca....
It was convalescence. Rhys visited every day and he did his best to get on with Jack. Gwen felt loved by her little makeshift family. She even warmed to Veronica who poured ice on her mind when it was on fire. She gave her peace and showed her visions of worlds with two suns and moons made of diamonds and riding shooting stars into the black.
She went home and went mad with the quiet and remembered how much she hated daytime TV. She went for long walks, tried to start painting again but within three days she was calling Jack every half hour begging him to let her come back. She returned on restricted duties on day four of her release from the medical bay. Veronica took her aside and kissed her fully on the mouth. Gwen stared at her, confused. Veronica just smiled and she then saw Veronica and Jack in a golden room running about, happy, carefree, laughing. She had never seen Jack so light and happy and young.
"Thank you," she whispered to the women from the future she had once so resented. Gwen knew she had saved her sanity, if not her life and she had also opened her up in so many different ways
"Gwen!" Jack's shout woke her up and she ran back out into the main Hub where the others were gearing up for a Weevil hunt. She instinctively went for her kit but Jack grabbed her wrist.
"Restricted duties, remember? You are controlling from here with Ianto. It's only one rogue Weevil anyway. Veronica and I can handle it. Mickey you're driving." Mickey caught the keys and grinned, then followed Veronica.
"Where's Martha?"
"In London. She came up with some interesting data on Bilis' autopsy. She's checking up on UNIT and Torchwood One archives."
"Right."
"Good.. Let's go, Veronica!" They ran off.
"Martha will be back tomorrow, coffee?" Ianto glided by her as Gwen hooked up her blue tooth.
She turned to Ianto." Yes please. Veronica continued with your training?"
"Yes. I can block for you too, till you catch up. Obviously after what happened..."
Gwen smiled, she was behind, but it made sense for Ianto to protect her, for now.
"Gwen, do you copy?"
"Yes Jack, yep got you on the screen ..." Gwen sat down in front of the computer.
She'll catch up and one day she'll know everything.